The Pants Mission

Ten Things To Say In A Clothing Store If You Want To Make The Sales Clerk Laugh Her Ass Off:

1) "Can you help me? I don't wear pants very often."

2) "Pants confuse me. I think they do it on purpose. They smell my fear."

3) "I think I might be allergic to pants...is that medically possible?"

4) "I like these pants. They don't look like they were just snatched from a band of angry narwhals."

5) "Oh my God, I found the Holy Grail of pants!"

6) "I can't wear skinny pants. I look like I've just been stepped on."

7) "Is it okay for leprechauns to wear bootcut pants?"

8) "I've never bought my own pants before...wait, that came out wrong."

9) "Oh my God, I did the impossible...I FOUND COMFORTABLE PANTS."

10) "I do stupid things when I'm in love...like voluntarily buy pants."

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Yes. I said all of these today. It actually happened.

Lovebird, this is what I go through for you. Are you happy now? You have successfully pants-ified me.

P.S. Damn right I love you...I wouldn't go through the Pants Mission for anyone else.