$%!# My Teachers Say

You just can't resist good Stolen Dialogue...especially at a college where so many of your teachers have a natural gift for cracking up their students.

I don't do stolen dialogue at the end of every single post like I did on my old blog. I just don't do it. It's not something that works with the format of this blog. But there are so many amazing quotes that I just can't help but write them down. I hope you enjoy my brief return to the wonderful world of stolen dialogue...

THE IN-CLASS EDITION!

*cue dramatic music*

[Note: not every one of these is directly from a teacher. But all of them happened in class or were related to that class. Just a heads up for full disclosure.]

From Gender & Religion class:

"Are our only choices Snooki or the Burqa?"

Teacher: I'm sorry, I started talking about Snooki and I lost my head.
Student: Happens to all of us.

(discussing pagan/Wiccan gods)
Teacher: And what about the women with horns?
Student 1: Freud would probably say it's penis envy.
Student 2: Yeah, he always says that.
Student 1: According to him, we spend our entire lives worrying because we don't have a penis.
Teacher: And now we have two!
(Class cracks up)
Teacher: Well, I'm thinking of dildos.
(Class erupts)

"Let's say...like, in a movie, if a man and woman have a one-night stand, the next day the woman gets up and what's she wearing? HIS t-shirt, or HIS dress shirt, and he's like, 'Ooh, you look so sexy in my white button-down.' But what if she's still lying in bed, and he comes in like, 'Look at me in your little black cocktail dress.' She'd be like, 'WHAT?!'"

Teacher: You have to stand up for yourself, say "Give me my twinkie back, yo!"
Student: Where did YOU go to elementary school?

"You don't want to be thought of as the gall bladder in room 223."
"I disagree with your question."

"'Hey, you got religion in my gender!' 'Hey, you got gender in my religion!' What happens when you mix these two together? You get the Pope in Prada shoes."


From Film Analysis/Intro to Cinema

“It was like Freaky Friday, but with 50% more bears.”

"What’s the most unoriginal thing you’ve seen lately?”
“Transformers 3!”
“Oh…yeah, I saw Transformers 2, it was stupid enough.”

"I don't think most people would figure out, in real life, that they're being replaced by robots, it's pretty fantastic."

"If someone started repeating that over and over at a party, I don't think 'Robot' would be the first thing to come to mind."

"Just leave the damn turtles be!"

"It's sort of thinly-veiled political posturing...done by an alien."

“I come away from something like Arachnophobia saying, ‘What the hell does that mean?’ It feels like it was made by a committee.”

“I look at Piranha 3-D and think…not to be crude…but okay, ‘tits and ass and killer fish,’ that’s what I get out of it.”


From Gender, Literature, Culture

"If it's laundry day, I don't get up and go, 'Oh! It's LAUNDRY DAY--time to put on my best lingerie!' There are occasions where I put on my best lingerie, but let me tell you, laundry day is not one of them!"

"I'm probably not a great candidate for the priesthood...what with not being male...or Catholic..."

"I'm not sure where the Catholic church stands on trannies."

"Another fun day of talking about men kissing men and sex tips from the early 20th century!"

"If I was going to impress somebody, I would not rely on my knowledge of Snooki to make that impression."

"You are having sex with the rainbow, apparently, but that does not make you a good guy."

"Catalogues use words like 'fuschia' and 'cobalt,' which according to my husband, are not words that men know."

"If you buy one bra from Victoria's Secret, they will send you a catalogue a week for the rest of your life. Who needs that many bras? Last I checked, they were not disposable!"

"I have attained forty-five years of age and have never sacrificed a sheep."

(after reading a passage about boy scouts masturbating)
"If this isn't the biggest WTF moment of your semester so far, you've had some very strange classes."

"Thoughts on this?"
"CONSTIPATION?!?"

"If you whack off, it will not hurt the military."

"It's not like I'm going to break down why constipation is a bad thing."

"Thoughts on that? Or do you think I'm full of crap...?"

"He's like a British redneck!"


From Buddhism 101

"You'd have to get onto the highway and drive like a bat out of hell to make it to Sunday School...of course, that's not really the most appropriate visual, but..."
"You've got so many Buddhas, you have to have some way of organizing them all."

"He came to China and told him he was all fucked up for doing things that way."

"There's gotta be only one car in the state of Maryland with a solar-powered prayer wheel on the dashboard!"

"Once you've got the celestial Buddha stuff down, you can just go wild."

"Oh, you're not going to like this one...well, the girls aren't going to like it...and the guys really shouldn't like it either..."

"Any questions? If you don't ask questions we're going to start the second Turning the Wheel of the Law...okay, you guys asked for it."