I am changing.
My clothes sit looser on my body. Already I have filled multiple bags with all of the clothes I no longer wear. At least ten pairs of pants are too big, slipping down my hips without a belt to hold them up. My breasts no longer fill out my dresses. My shirtsleeves slip too comfortably up and down my thinner arms. Clothes bought in August, size 18/20, are rapidly becoming too big. Soon, I will no longer have to make sure a store carries "plus" sizes before I go to shop there. Even now I am no longer afraid to enter a dressing room.
When I Skype my friends, I no longer have to prop the computer on three books (if I'm at a desk) or pillows (if I'm on my bed) to ensure that my double chin doesn't show. I no longer fear the lower half of my face. Looking down is no longer a carefully-planned maneuver. I can smile in photos without worrying that my chin will take over my face. I can have photos of myself now. I don't insist on deleting or untagging every candid photo of myself. And when the camera comes out I smile. A lot. I don't fear that my smile or laugh makes my entire face look ugly.
I put my hair up now. I put it up and leave it up all day. I twist it up into a knot and tie it with an elastic and let bits of hair escape without worrying about frizz. If my hair doesn't look right (which happens frequently), a hair elastic or hat is my new best friend. I don't leave it down to detract attention from my face.
Makeup is a fashion statement now. I wear it as an experiment. Will anyone notice that I've started wearing eyeliner? What does my lipstick say about my mood today? Does my eyeshadow match my shirt? Should it? I do character-inspired makeup. Black liner and green eyeshadow for Loki; gold and tan shadow and brown eyeliner for C-3PO. (Yes, I'm aware, and proud, of my status as an Epic Nerd.) Putting on concealer and powder is the boring part now. Now makeup is a way of expression, not a means of hiding my face.
When I exercise I don't wear makeup at all. I put up my hair (still not quite long enough for just a ponytail, but I do what I can), put on my stretchiest pants and go for it. I feel empowered, not tortured, jogging on a treadmill. My endurance is improving, soon I will be able to jog two full minutes without stopping. I can do a high kick, a sit-up, a reverse sit-up, half push-ups, downward dog, fifteen jumping-jacks without stopping. I can dance for a full three-minute song without stopping to get my breath back. Each minor accomplishment is a victory in itself. The words "Dad, did you see that?" escape my mouth at least three or four times a session. I feel stronger, less vulnerable, less useless, after every workout.
I pray every night, asking for God's help in overcoming any resistance that comes my way. I will stomp it down, crash through the walls, dive into the problems headfirst and confront the monsters that try to bully me into submission. I have the power of "ten million flaming suns and believe in a Strength that can raise the dead." There is no reason why I can't overcome anything and anyone that tries to stop me or hurt me.
I am changing. I am beginning to feel beautiful again. I am not invincible. I am human. And I am, for once, truly happy to be who I am.
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