Dear Atheists

(from April 24, 2014)

Hey guys. It's just me. Don't worry, I'm not armed. I promise I won't quote scripture at you, or demand to know why you can't see how awesome my Savior is, or ask if you accepted Jesus Christ into your heart. I know that all of that is about as pointless as asking a zebra why it can't play the trombone. I'm not even going to tell you how much happier you'd be if you'd just come to church. Maybe you would be and maybe you wouldn't, but that's not my place and I don't know you well enough to make the call.

But what I will do is ask why you think you are so much better than me. So much smarter than me. Why you think that because you don't believe in God and I do, I am somehow an airhead and you are a philosopher and no matter what I say you will always think of me as a mindless sheep. I'm not even being sarcastic. I really want to know why.

In the moments after I left my film history final exam today, one of your number followed me. Waited with me while I called my mom. Then casually asked, "I have to ask, what's up with the time-turner?" A harmless enough question. I explained that it was a present from my mom and I'd worn it to give me confidence for the exam today. "Oh, a good-luck charm?" No, I don't believe in luck, I explained to him, I believe in prayer and hard work. Oh, what a poor choice of words. To say that the manure hit the air circulator would be an understatement.

For the next four minutes (I know, I was watching the clock) it was all "I can't believe you're one of them" and "Seriously why, you seemed so smart!" That was the kicker for me. I was smart, apparently, until I revealed myself to be a Christian. Then I was a dumbass. A useless, naive child. Just another "sheeple" that pinned all my hopes and dreams on a Big Invisible Man in the Sky.

Please understand, Atheists, I have no problem with you all as a whole. In fact I genuinely love that you exist, because to me, you are proof that my God gives us free will. You have morals, you have strong values, you have faith in yourself. You have all these things in buckets, which is something that, much to my annoyance, seems to confuse a number of my fellow Christians (I swear if I overhear the "but how can you have morals without God?!?" conversation one more time, I'll smack someone with a giant floppy fish). You are people who are truly unafraid to say "This is what I believe in and I don't care what you think of it."

I have no problem with people who don't believe in God. There was even a time that I was one of you--we won't get into that. But here's what I take issue with: people who think they have a right to tell me I can't believe because they don't.

Now I realize some of you have had run-ins with some of my brothers and sisters in Christ, some of whom, I will admit with a fully clear conscience, are as obnoxious as all get-out. And to you I apologize, because they seem to have missed the part about "do unto others." What other explanation could there be for someone shouting about how "godless heathens" indoctrinate children into atheism, and then attempting to force their religion down someone else's throat? My way of evangelizing is to simply let it come up in conversation. If you believe in God, cool. If you don't, but you're curious, feel free to ask any questions. If you don't and you're happy the way you are, conversation over. And if you just want to debate, please do, I love intellectual conversation. But I won't thump you with my Bible and if it makes you uncomfortable I'll never bring it up again.

But please, please, tell me why--no, really, I genuinely want to know--I am "the dumbest person alive" for believing in something that you don't think exists. And then if you still feel like talking, tell me how it's fair that you are allowed to tell me that all Christians are delusional, but I can't even say "I believe in God" without you tearing me to bits.

If this was a one-time thing I would let it go. But I see it so often, and it happens so often. Someone once asked me how I "caught" Christianity. Like it's the chicken pox. Like I can call in to school or work: Hello, sorry, can't come to class today, my Jesus Fever is running really high. That was mildly funny. Less funny was the guy I briefly dated who told me, every day, how evil my religion was. Before we broke it off, he once texted me, knowing I was anti-drug, that he was going to spend an evening alone smoking weed. Fed up with him I sarcastically replied, Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior? You wouldn't believe the fight that ensued. Message received: he can make me squirm at his leisure, but as soon as I bring up religion, well, that's just over the line.

It gets worse. A close friend from high school once told me about an afternoon spent in church choir that was quite pleasant...right up until a teenage boy who lived down her street soaked her choir robes with a water balloon, then claimed that he'd "missed his real target." Later, he called and told her "I only aim at idiots...'course you believe an invisible zombie controls where you go when you die, so you count." He never got in trouble for this.

Another girl I know was kicked out of her gay-straight alliance when they found out she was also part of a Christian youth group. "No offense," she was told, "but we don't have a good history with Christians. You believe in the Bible and the Bible says gay people are going to hell, and we don't need that kind of negativity around here."

This isn't meant to be an "all atheists suck and all Christians are saints" post, by the way. I can tell hair-raising stories about crap my friends have done too. A person who won't be named was kicked out of an Intervarsity Christian Fellowship chapter that won't be specified, because they were blamed for "turning someone gay" after entering a same-sex relationship with another IV member. I read the news, I know the stupid, unfair, asinine things that people do in the name of religion. Believe me, every time the Westboro Baptist Church pops up in the news, I cringe and think Oh Lord Jesus, what have they done this time? I honestly want to throw up sometimes when I think of all the wars that have started over religion.

And that, to me, is the truly terrifying part about all of this. When I was a kid I had a theory that all wars started because one world leader threw a mudball at another and made them cry, and then the offended leader's friend threw a mudball at the one who threw the first mudball and then the next thing you know mudballs are flying and people are getting shot at and the countries are at war. I still don't think I'm too far off. I have seen friendships and relationships destroyed over something as simple as "Do you believe in God?" "Yeah, do you?" "WHAT YOU STUPID IDIOT THERE'S NO GOD YOU'RE DELUSIONAL." Or, conversely, "Do you believe in God?" "No, why?" "BECAUSE YOU CRAZY PERSON YOU'LL GO TO HELL IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN JESUS UGH I CAN'T BELIEVE I PUT UP WITH YOU YOU'RE SO SINFUL." Makes sense that would translate into International Relations as well. ("You don't believe in MY country's God, so we're gonna invade you!" "Oh yeah? well YOUR country doesn't have MY country's political system, so we're gonna INVADE YOU RIGHT BACK!")

Maybe it'll surprise you to hear that no, I don't think I'm better than you. My religion tells me that I still have a long way to go. My religion teaches me that every crime is equal and that if I roll my eyes at you, I'm just as bad as you are for calling me a name. And maybe it'll surprise you just as much to hear that no, I don't think God's job is to sit up there and solve all my problems. I think I have to do the work He wants me to do. I don't think that praying before a football game will make the team win, I think that only practice will make the team win...but it's what goes into that practice that matters. If a guy prays to God for strength before he goes out and runs a few plays, then that's what he needs to do to keep himself going. If the guy next to him chugs some gatorade and yells a few curse words to keep up his energy, well, that works too. That's just an example but you get the point.

And in case you don't: the point is that if my religion makes you that uncomfortable, why are you even bringing it up? If you see my cross or my t-shirt or my Bible, and you KNOW what they mean, why do you come and ask me if you don't want a conversation? That's like if I were to walk into a PETA meeting with a ham sandwich and ask everyone "C'mon, why are you so offended?"

I'm just asking for a chance, guys. I'm not telling you "if you don't believe in Jesus we can't be friends." I'm just sitting in the corner here, believing what I believe, and I promise, if you don't believe in it, I won't try to indoctrinate you.

All I ask is that you extend me the same courtesy.

P.S. Yes, I do know who Bill Nye is, and he is one of my childhood heroes.

P.P.S. Yes, I do believe in evolution and dinosaurs.

P.P.P.S. Yes, I'll gladly go to that Katy Perry concert with you. Just because I'm Christian doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have good taste in music. (But I'll still jam out to Newsboys. What can I say, I'm only human.)